Creeping back

Then, there were nights that my body froze in bed,
memories made then were the worst I ever had.
There were days so cruel that I almost turned to dust,
being the ember to his all-consuming lust.

Then, there was more violence and cruelty than should exist.
And whenever I tried to stand up and clench my fist,
he just hurt me even worse and so much deeper,
making the path to myself stonier and steeper.

Then, I was caught up in the net he tried to weave
but I finished crying the instant I made him leave.
He was history with the slamming of that door,
and I tried to pick myself up from the floor.

I cannot remember when or how,
'cause I buried it all inside me with a vow.
I never wasted any time on him since then,
yet he's creeping up my mind over again.

Now, when you touch me like this,
or let me taste your sweet kiss,
I cannot help but see
it all coming back to me.

Now, when I hold you tight
in the cold and dark night,
I long to deny the fact,
but it's all creeping back...

Ours to be

With you my moments are gold,

our future brightly unfolds.
This is the life I treasure,
I burst to bloom within your pleasure.

But when you whisper in my ear,
sometimes it's not you, it's him I hear.
It was gone that long ago,
but now it's crawling back so slow.

It was buried and dead,
'cause I ran as far as I could get.
Now I can barely recall,
and yet I can still feel it all.

If you can forgive me for who I am, 

I know my fight has not been in vain.
Yes, if we both forgive and forget,
he might not find a way back.

If you see me like I am,
and you love me with all that you can,
the flesh and the fantasy
for once might become ours to be...

She

It's a dangerous game
to know her name.
She is wild, she is free
and she's calling for me
from inside my mind,
enticing me to unwind.

The blink of her eye
can mean hello and goodbye.
Coming to take away
everything I so painfully gained.

She is life, she is love
but beware her unbending wrath.
She can give me what I need
if I let go of rules and heed.

I love to fly away on her wings,
no boundaries, no strings.
So I follow her call and walk the wire,
soon to be consumed by her fire...

Run

Your touch feels like home,
that's why I'll soon be gone.
It conjured up too many ghosts
and I've had way enough of those.
I'll hit the road by the light of day,
for I was built to be on my way...

As much as I would love to hold on,
my eyes will tell you that I'm already gone.
Being the one who walks with the wind,
I know that my inner gipsy will win.
Though now my heart feels bound to you,
this feeling scares me through and through.

I have been this strong before
so I straighten my back and walk out that door.

Don't you worry, I'll be fine.
The wounds you left will heal in time.
Life on the road will help me through,
for there is more than me and you.
And soon the sun will rise again,
just promise to think of me now and then...

-Ich-

Stop

STOP is such a beautiful word.
Stop would take an end to the hurt.

Stop would finally make me free.
Stop would heal me and let me breathe.

Stop is really not hard to say,
but somehow I don't find a way.

Afraid that stop will put an end
to those unhealthy habits that became my friend.

For stop would stop the security,
that those habits can give to me.

Can't find another way, I guess...
So I just won't stop saying: 'YES!'.


-Ich-

Another night

Smothered by the emptiness
I wish I was made of stone and nothing less...

A heart, that's worn and weathered
would surely know better
then to step out into the rain
and believe it won't get drowned by the pain.

Unable to cry for help
ice-cold and cruel to myself
I am laughing through my tears,
let nobody see my fears.
A good facade is all it takes
but one more smile is all I can fake...

This wound inside bleeds like a flood,
why can nobody see I'm drenched in blood?
Why doesn't anybody look at me?
God damn this healthy woman I appear to be!

Then understanding pounds me like a wave:
My shell works in two different ways!
It keeps them out but locks me in
and I let go as dusk begins.
Surrounded by another night
suddenly I know how to fight.

-Ich-

Think again!

You must be out of your mind,
I have to say it this unkind.
This was a simple design
And you really fucked up this time

I can't see anything in your eyes,
and the more I see, the less I like.
You make me suffer for your lovers mistakes,
while you cannot stop kissing my face.

Did you really believe you could break my heart?
It takes so much more than you to take me apart.

Did you think a man as insecure as you,
could change the course of things I do?

Did you think you controled me in the end?
Well my darling, think again!

-Ich-

Not my friend

It's a crime that you happened to me.
Nevermind, I was so eager to please.
You took my body, now look in my face.
You never bothered to know my ways.

At times I feel you creeping up
why didn't I manage to make a clean cut?
You cling to my mind again and again.
Have I been fighting you in vain?

You made it so easy
to fall apart completely.
You left me to die,
but I have survived.
Alone.
A heart of stone.

Damn it, you are not my friend!
You showed me how stranded I am.
With no trace of self-esteem left,
I managed to clean your fucking mess.
Now able to stand strong I rise,
with no forgiveness in my eyes.

-Ich-

Survive

You wonder why I look so battered,

as though my whole world was shattered.

Yes, I fought for quite some time,
don't worry, finally I'm fine.

I may have some bruises and cuts,
but they will heal to silvery scars.

and I know I will survive,
hey, I got out of this alive.

Sure, I burned both my hands,
I learnt what not to do again.

Beneath my scars the skin's thicker in a way.
Yes, time does heal like they use to say.

From each and every battle, you see,
I managed to rise in victory.

Being myself was all it took,
I guess I'm not as frail as I look!

-Ich-

I will walk

I know you're hurt and what you've been trough

and I hate to see your self-fulfillling prophecy come true.
Without proof you always accused me I'd go,
and this way made it easy for me to do just so,
by being quite a bitch for real,
expecting me to swallow everything I feel.

Indeed, I never left someone so painlessly,
'cause everyday you worked hard to prove to me
that you cannot be worth my time
or worth my feelings in any kind.

Darling, this is not my fight
I can't fix you, you know that, right?
And I will not be the battleground
for your struggle to stay out of bounds.

Yes, you may be weak,
tenderly, I touch your cheek.
Hush baby, no need to talk,
we both know that I will walk...

-Ich-

Go

I'm doing this tonight
I know you'll start a fight. 
Don't want to make it tough,
I've just had enough.

See, I won't play the fool for you
in your silly game for two.
You know I loved you endlessly
when you weren't there for me.

So now it's time to leave
no room left for grief.

I just can't take the pain no more
so I want you out that door.

You're not the person I thought I knew
and my life would heavily improve
without this guy behind your masquerade,
don't apologize, you know it's too late.

So don't you think this is a lie.
I'm standing here, waving goodbye.
I know you can't give me a reason to stay,
so I'm checking out, I'm on my way.

Mistake

Yesterday, I got lost in the night.
He managed to make it feel easy and right.
But now that the moment has vanished and gone,
I'm left with a feeling so lonely and wrong.

The desperate wish for the things I can't get,
once more made me follow my hands, not my head.
I know it was one of my bigger mistakes,
to get lost in the frenzy 'till morning awakes.

Again, fantasy thrilled me in too many ways,
and I hit the ground hard by the light of day.

Damn, I don't want to feel like this,
don't want to be a name on his list.

His love is so selfish, no give and all take,
the desire to run makes me shiver and shake.
And yet I still feel his hands down my spine,

dissolving my will in his sweet-bitter wine.

No matter how I want to shout,
I just don't see an easy way out.
I fell for him, almost died by his kiss...
My fault, he just gave me what I wished.

So all that's left is take up the fight,
scratch up the humble pieces of my pride.
Tell myself to stand up and see
how I can find my way back to me.

But everytime I do,
you draw me back to you.
Like a faint echo in the night,
your pleasures still ring in the back of my mind...

-Ich-

Fucked up

On that day my heart found you,

the sun was bright and the sky was blue.
But your darkness gloomed inside,
and mesmerized me at first sight.

Your soft whispers haunt my sleep.
I'm all taken in by your waters so deep.
Your eyes scream of what you've been through,
that's why I shouldn't be alone with you.

I push you away and then pull you near,

you soothe and then you fuel my fear.

Yet I miss you and I'd love to come 'round,
but somehow I feel frozen and bound.
Scared to open your door, I shy away,
what will I see by the light of day?

Demons make a fool of you,
I've been where you are going through.
You take all the physical love you can get,
which one will I find spread out on your bed?

You say that you want me, that I keep you stable
but to let go of your patterns you are not able.
That makes me feel like just a fuck,
but damn, you know my heart is stuck!

So tell me, what am I supposed to do
with someone as screwed up as you???

-Ich-

More than that

You tell me I am your comfort and love,
I'm yours to cling to when things get rough.
And yet, what you are longing for,
is to make me one of three or more.

Darling, I am worth much more than that.
I don't really know if I'm hurt or mad.

It's hard for me to understand,
why you might want more than my hands.

I guess you're just that kind of man,

who keeps his options as long as he can.

But if you cannot commit to me,
my backlights are all that you will see.

Yes, if you want to fuck around,

I will leave without a sound.
But should you want me in your bed,

just leave the others, go ahead!

Revenge

You caught my eye and I believed
that you were my saviour in times of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
the shouted whispers, the warnings so clear.
Through your glitter I couldn't see
your dark intentions, your plans for me.

Instead you kept me entangled in nightmares
and a world in which nobody dares
to love and to trust.
The dark side of lust.
And when you were finally done with me
I'd become much too weak to flee.

My dark demon, tell me why?
What was the thorn in your eye?
Your fate was tough, that's true,
but is this a valid reason for you
to cause this much pain and strife?
You could have chosen another path in life.

Now I got you at my feet
and darling I will make you bleed.
I have looked straight through that door
and there's no escape, no mercy no more.
I feel no remorse for I still do remember
the fire, the ashes and the ember,
your grin when you raped both body and heart,
the satisfied smile when you tore me apart.

-Ich-

Anyone's prize

She was never strong enough
to give me comfort, care and love.
No, she never cared to share the weight
of the burdens on my plate.
For I was such a perfect kid
with no room for any trouble to it.

So if at home you cannot be recognized,
You have to find other ways to let your spirit run wild.
But where could I turn then?
That's where the trouble began.

There he was, tall and strong,
telling me where I belong.
He, he saw me as I was,
the dark spots, the drama, the love.
Being a rock, he offered a place
where I could let go of my fears and cares.

All that I would have to do,
is offer him my body for use.
But that seemed to be a small price,
so I chose to pay and got lost in his vice.

His course led me astray,
disoriented, I lost my way.
My curves became my only excellence,
not worth anything 'till he'd use me again.

And then you tell me that you don't need
to see my body at your feet.
With you, I finally understood
that this is my body, no bargaining good!
Thank you for helping me realize
that I don't have to be anyone's prize!

-Ich-

Dare

I want to lean on you but I dont dare,
I'm afraid to ask you for care.
I don't want to see you cry,
with my sorrow being the reason why.

My mom has never been strong enough
to be there when things got rough.
How often did she cry, and her tears
forced me to protect her through the years.
No matter what sorrow came my ways,
it was mine alone to face.

Now anxious to be a burden I almost let go
of your kindred spirit and soul.
So please, help me understand
that not every woman drowns in the sand
as soon as I share my weight
or let them know of my inner shades.

True friendship can only be found
where walls come tumbling down.
So please teach me to trust again,
tell me that you want and you can
not only be there through the funny and good,
but share my dark days like she once should.

-Ich-

Wiegenlied

Bleib liegen, mein Kind.

Es streichelt Dich der Wind.

Schlüpf unter meine Schwingen,

wo tröstende Worte erklingen.

Werde ruhig, hier kannst Du sein.

Ich bin Dein Hafen, Dein Anker, Dein Stein.

Auf Deiner Stirn fühl kühl meine Hand,

fühl Dich geborgen und erkannt.

Ich sorge dafür, dass keiner Dich findet.

Mein Mantel er schützt, er kühlt und er lindert.

Bald wirst Du geheilt sein, der Schmerz verraucht.

Bleib liegen, ich halt Dich solange es braucht.

Einst schützte mein Körper Dich vor Schmerz.

Lagst eng und nah unter meinem Herz.

Ich schenkte Dir das Leben,

nun lass meine Liebe Dir Geborgenheit geben.

-Ich-

Hypocrite

You call it regard, I call it fear.
Are you really the stronger one here?

You call it thoughtful silence, I'd say you're bending the truth.
You just love to bathe in your blues.

You call it sharing, I'd say you get rid of your load,
and don't care if I stumble upon that road.

You call it reluctance, I call it stepping on my feet.
Confrontation was never your strongest feed.

You call it care, I'd say you just bait me.
No wonder I struggle to get myself free.

You say you're in need, that noone is there.
So why do you push away those who care?

I finally let loose.
I won't walk in these shoes.
They're too small for my feet,
I will not walk the way they lead.

I finally rip
all free of your grip.


-Ich-

Not the way things work

This is not the way things work,
suddenly I'm supposed to love a jerk...

Once, you were one of my folks,
the one who laughed loudest at my jokes.
My strong man and never less,
you ran to rescue the damsel in distress.
Showed interest in my beliefs,
were there through pain and grief.
Set up for discussion those funny things,
covered all the missing links.
Yes, you were always there,
with time to spare.

And now you tell me this wasn't you
and that having believed you made me a fool.
That you acted just to be loved,
but as soon as I had gained your trust,
you showed that underneath your roles,
you're a careless person from head to soles.

No sign you'd ever think of me.
How can life with such a guy be?
I fell for the man that I knew,
that image you so skillfully painted of you.
And now you expect me to suddenly love,
a person I never met or heard of???

This is not the way things work.
I won't let myself get hurt
by a person who never realised there,
that to be cared for, you first have to care!

-Ich-

On your side

You should know;
wherever you go,
that I am on your side.
Open your heart up wide,
pull me to your chest,
come with me to rest!
Sometimes it may seem useless to fight,
but babe, remember: I'm on your side!

As we smiled and we touched,
we talked and made love,
soon I tightened my grip.
God, I won't let you slip!

But can we breathe this way?
Is there air for our feelings to stay?

For I have never felt like this,
the more we fight the more I long for your kiss.
Well, we never argued like this before.
Is it because we never meant more?

But each confession I make,
each leap of faith I take,
translates to you as an insult.
I don't want to talk about fault,
but we both should surely get rid
of this sad and destroying habit.

So, no matter what may be in the end,
I know in some way, I'll be holding your hand.
In any way it is worth the fight,
'cause baby, I am on your side!

-Ich-

Once

Once there was pain
trying to feel in vain
if I touch you in a way
if I'm worth for you to stay.
The pain faded slow,
but 'once' was a long time ago...

Once it left cuts
thinking of the sluts
that you liked to screw,
no matter who.
The cuts they healed slow,
but 'once' was a long time ago...

Once I did cry
asking me why
you dont let me in
was it my sin?
The tears they dried slow
but 'once' was a long time ago...

Once I mistook
silences sharp hooks
for painful punishment,
felt chastized in the end.
Confusion left slow,
but 'once' was a long time ago...

Once I didnt see
how fragile you could be,
that it was only helplessness
that manouvered us into that mess.
Awareness came slow,
but 'once' was a long time ago...

'Once' faded in the shades
and enlightenment evades
how two lost souls
can fail to give hold.

Yes, we faded slow,
but 'we' was a long time ago....

-Ich-

Ice

They say I have resigned
to the winter in this heart of mine.

They say I should scream and shout
when I just don't know how to be loud.

They say I should have the desire
to fight and to kindle a fire.
But none of this I feel
my heart is only cold as steel.

Why do they want me to hate?
When arousing this motion means reliving my fate.
I avoid to feel feelings in any form,
knowing they'll devour me in a storm.

The ice inside my soul
was meant to protect me and keep me whole.
Till now I lived inside this shell
quite comfortably and quite well.

Yes, ice statues do easily break,
but kept nice and cold, how much pressure they take!
I learned to love its frozen calm,
inside this ice, I feel so warm...




And yet...

Sure, often I feel out of touch
with the outside world I desire so much.
It would be nice to feel alive at last,
but I've accepted this to stay out of my grasp.
Just outside of my reach,
unless I find me someone to teach
me the knowledge of ways to let go
of that shell that protected me so...


-Ich-

Toy

If you call me your baby,

you must have misunderstood me, 

for I just want to play with your soul,

see if it breaks or stays whole.

If I should need your hands,

I'll conjure up some romance, 

make you feel the one,

and let go when I'm done.

Effortlessly making you thank

me for the precious time I spent.

I don't need no gifts or money,

Darling, I just want you to owe me.

That is my way,

the game that I play.

Yes, my intentions may be shady,

indeed, in case that you should bore me, 

I'll send you back on your way.

It's your call if I let you stay.

-Ich-

Fuck

You fucked me once but not again.
You let me feel your heavy hand.

You had to have it all,
hurt both body and soul,
fuck me up so rough...
Well have you had enough?

You greedy little asshole
I'm done playing my role.
Beware for I will be the one
to make you hate what you've become
and leave you in your misery
just as you did with me!

I finally cleaned up your mess
and feel my scars a little less.
Life's hard enough in any kind
without you fucking up my mind!

-Ich-

Subdued

You want to stay alive,

then bow to me, my child. 

You'll be alright

and survive the night,

if you just call out my name 

and let your screams burn through my veins.

My pretty infantile,

I knew it all the while, 

you sit and try to play me, 

just like you see on TV.

My little girl, be wise,

don't try to compromise.

You'll learn to love to hate it

as soon as the pain has faded.

So struggle and scream to keep your breath

or remain silent and give yourself to death... 

So baby, come on, call my name,

you're safe as long as your screams burn in my veins...

-Ich-

Fly

You lie belly up
in that puddle of mud
that once has been you
don't dare to taint me, too!


I wrap up my skirts and jump back a step
beware that your puddle will make me wet
those muddy waters should never touch
a spirit that can give so much.


As I jump and I squeak
a rose tints my cheek
for this delightful exercise
makes me both healthy and wise.

How could I ever fall
for a person so small
for a mind so frail
that it can only fail.

Me, the mother of a child
who bears a spirit so happy and wild,
who stands in the middle of her life
being a woman, a lover, a wife.

I'm laughing out loud
as my dancing feet find out
how high they can possibly fly
without your muddy waters darkening my sky.

-Ich-

Long ago and yet so close

So many years since my world was trembling,
so many years since that terrible dream.
On that day my youth was crumbling
and nothing was ever as it seemed.

I tried to run but my feet were frozen
I tried to scream but there was no sound.
Now in my head there are voices screaming:
"Girl you should know better by now!"

But not knowing what had hit me then,
not able to turn to anyone,
I faced that man again and again,
in any given shape or form.

I screamed and cried for someone to save me,
but how do you save someone from themselves?
All those years my wishes have been
drowning in the wishing well.

It was long ago and  far away,
but over again he'd rise
from the midst of yesterday
to hit me by surprise.

Joined forces

Never come closer

never touch

the thought of being together

was always too much

For then what would be left with me?

No way to feel the guilt.

No room for loving memories.

Nor air to feel my will.

She went to great lengths

to keep us apart,

now I found the strength

to fight for my part.

Yet I'm afraid of her being around

and the damage she may bring.

Will I be able to stand my ground,

to withstand her sweet sting?

As long as I am that undecided

I know she must be locked away.

We have always been devided

please, let's cooperate today!

For if together we finally dare

to oppose her on all our ways,

then one day no matter when or where

her part of us we will embrace.

-Wir, äh, nee, ich-  :)

Goodbye

Our future's clouded over where it used to shine like light,
and its rays keep caving in, till they're lost in the night...
I told myself over again that everything in time,
will find it's way home again, but I'm so tired of crying.

Lovely hours we spent lost in fantasy,
we let go and could finally just be.
But time went on as minutes ran too fast,
like you they are gone into my past.


I foresake you that second chance,
for only then I'll be able to dance
through my life again,
forget your pain.

So don't come knocking on my door,
I won't answer your calls no more.
No matter how you draw me near,
those days are finally over, my dear.


This mind of mine is still in its place
but the rest of this is much too hard to face.
Now, in freedom there is peace
and I can finally just breathe.

You not me

I move through the masses
and see me through your glasses
as ist sparkles and shines
that caleidoscope of mine
which is all I let you see
to hide the empty shell of me

And I try with all my might
to see what you could possibly like
Is it my ability to bend
which makes me the perfect friend...

Understanding evades
what you could love in those shades
Is it the skillfull way I wear my smile?
to learn to let that go might take a while...

To keep them from hurting me even more
I tried so hard to hide my core
leaving a shadow without substance
that walks behind who you think I am


What you see...
It's you, not me...

-Ich-

Three

I look up and meet your eyes
and I start to feel the fires,
feel the love inside me grow,
brighter than I've ever known.

Come on, let's travel our memory
together like always, you and me.

The stories, the drama, the treasure,
we've lived through it all together,
through the laughter and the tears,
you've conquered all my fears.
Our souls are almost one
and we've only just begun...

This heart will never be owned by another,
for you are more than just my lover,
but the friend who loves and who leads,
you have made my life complete.

And faster then we'd know
I felt your seed inside me grow,
my body carried and nursed your child,
making me feel natural and right.

And now we are a family
you and me are finally three.
Come and take our hand,
together we will stand,
for we were always meant to be,
that little girl and you and me...

-Ich- (heute mal kitschig)