Internal Dialogue

I never built walls around me
didn't know things that hurt, no sensitive category
my life was to learn, love and to be
and you did agree

But you used to cling to the back of my mind
and I should have known at that moment in time
when you offered him careless physical joy
and he bounced my body and heart around like a toy
you made him take something precious that was just meant for me
my own decision to keep

And I spent my nights crying
and dark hours trying
to finally forgive you
and to not feel so abused

Not understanding what happened to me
but drowning in that emotional sea
You grabbed the straw of letting him hurt me again
for only then he would love us as much as he can

The storm became rougher as I grew
the sea more violent as the angry wind blew
'Grow a spine and leave!' was the name of the waves
'Please love me!' the wind cried when it threw me the other way

I finally got through the loneliness and pain
and learned how to dare love my body again
but how to keep those demons at bay
I'm still learning the oh so hard way
I know it's you who invoked them and called
Yet still it feels like my very fault

So how am I supposed to live with you now,
that part of my soul that sold me out?

The answer was found so easily:
After the years we both spent to see
the punishment, tears and lost possibilities
I sadly realize that there is no you or me

just the one wretched girl that I have to be.


-Ich-